so today was the first day back to school after a wonderful winter break. snowboarding with friends was more than i can ask for. unfortunately, i feel broken and sore...but it was fun while it lasted! i actually got the hang of snowboarding surprisingly. that had me feeling that i could do almost about anything even if i fell way too many times lol. but this past wknd also gave me the chance to be away from home, to think and to finally give him that decision i told him i needed to make, as tough as it all was and will be, i'm still tryna adapt to all of this. basically, 2008 was one hell of a yr, with its indefinite share of tears, heartbreaks, and fights. and this applies to not just me, i'd know... i was there to help MY friends thru their hardships. but the end of 2008, really did bring me to realize a lot more than i thought i would. i'm hurt but glad those events took place. and boy lemme tell you, it is NOT easy to see what i had to see before my own very eyes. but what i'm tryna say is...with everything that happened and that took place in '08, i felt that i had to start '09 off fresh and clean. its a new yr so why not, right? when i returned home from my wknd in Mtn. High, i finalized my decision and wanted to make it clear to him and myself that i was gonna stick to it and pull thru with it. pretty much i gave myself two options, or two roads as i called it lol. ROAD 1: no/less contact and hangouts, basically anything we usually would be doing, we can no longer do anymore. ROAD 2: stick around as friends and maintain a good or at least stable friendship and not really change anything for worst but for the better. but my objective behind all of this? to get over and move on from my ex. it is unbelievably tough cos we've never been away or apart from each other for as long as we've known each other. but it would be even more difficult if i were to go with road 2 cos i just couldn't hang on to a friendship with someone who i have and will always see more than just a friend. i don't blame either of us that we JUST could not be friends when there's feelings. i figured it would hurt more to stay his friend and that close to him cos i was scared of the fact that one day, some grl will sweep him off his feet and its just too much to bear. it also sucks that he knows how i feel about him, i know how he feels about me, yet he can't find himself to be with me again cos he can't bring himself to be that committed boyfriend he used to be. til this day, i'm not pressuring him or pushing him to be with me or anyone else for that matter. i've fought for him, with him, we've had our share of arguments and most importantly the good times. that's the toughest part is to let something/someone go that has left a good/bad impact in your life. and that's why i chose to go with road 1. it was hard but i told him in person. i didn't wanna do this over the phone or text cos i really wanted to make this serious and formal enough that it might be the last time we'll talk. 'til then i wanna take advantage of this to grow from what i've learned and use this time/space for myself. i guess you can say its beneficial for him as well since he can take the time to realize and do what he wants without having my feelings weigh him down in anyway. its tough. its difficult. it hurts. its too painful to be away from him but hey, maybe the cure to pain is pain itself? whatever it is, i honestly hope this is the way to go and i've made the right choice. i hope we'll both find happiness whether it may be with others or w/ each other in the end. ppl say time heals all wounds, so i'm really hoping this time i'm giving myself will heal SOMETHING. i know i can do this...alone or not. kinda sucks that it seems as though everyone else has found their significant other. but i'm happy for them cos everyone deserves a chance at love. as hard as this is all gonna get, i really do miss him =/. well i'm gonna end this with something someone's always told me, True Love Waits...
"If the road is easy, then your likely going the wrong way."
-Terry Goodkind
No comments:
Post a Comment